Well I woke today in a decent mood I got up showered and ready for work. Joking about with my wife I felt quite positive for a change. So before I got out bed my wife and I pray with each other for Gods protection throughout the day. Everything was going well until the journey into work. I don’t know what had happened but a dark cloud descended upon. I felt heavy like I was being oppressed from something. I tried not to think much of it as the past week I haven’t been great struggling with up and down moods but this felt different. I kept having this one thought “where is God?”
The more I thought about it the more I felt further away, the distance became scary, I felt abandoned. In my moment of desperate need intrusive sinister thoughts started to creep into my brain “it would be easier if you weren’t here”, “just kill yourself you wont have to suffer”, “how can you put yourself and your wife through this anymore?”
Needless to say I was confused I couldn’t think straight so I told my wife what my head was doing, now anyone with anxiety will tell you the same, no matter how much reassurance you get your mind doesn’t switch off. So this beautiful day had turned into one long battle in my head before I’d even reached work. How was I going to cope? Will my wife be worrying about me all day? Am I losing my faith? Thoughts exploding like fireworks in the sky.
But when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore my wife said to me “God is always with you and will give you strength to fight off the devil” that was it this wasn’t a normal anxiety attack it was too weird to out of character for me, then she reminded me that we had put on our armour of God and we would be protected. Then I realised I was not only fighting myself (my mind) I was fighting the devil as well. It was nothing I haven’t experienced before but this was a subtle attempt to deceive me into giving up and settling for a doom and gloom life.
Eventually that time arrived to get out of the car so we kissed, hugged and said our see ya laters. As I was walking I was stopped at the crossing lights, I wanted nothing more than to be back with my wife, safe and sound, not alone, left to navigate the minefield of my anxious mind. I can tell you I’m my own worst enemy!
As I stood at the crossing waiting to safely cross the road, this verse out of the Bible entered my head “I will not forsake you” ( Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV)
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Then another thought popped into my head “he is a deceiver and a liar” (John 8:44 NIV)
When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.
At that moment I noticed the menace that was making it his mission to torment me was gone, the voice had stopped, the thoughts were no more. All I could think of was “I will never forsake you” a sense of calm and lifted mood descended upon me and I prayed to God on my walk to work. When the traffic light went red for stop the Lord came and stopped my enemy, by the time it turned green for go I was safe not only to cross but to resume my journey, in body and mind.
The lesson I learnt is that when you are for God he will help you when you need him most. Pray to him for guidance and help never rely on your own feelings for they are worldly and easily influenced by the otherside. We are not to fear our enemies for with God’s strength we can overcome anything. When in fear or suffering from a troubled mind think of the traffic lights. Stop (wait and pray) and then go on with your journey when you have given your burdens to God.
The rest of my day has been good and pleasant I’ve felt more at ease and talking to God has helped me get through a day I never thought I would have at 8am this morning. When in need Jesus is a friend indeed.
Please let me know your thoughts in the comments section below and if you have any questions or messages of support they are greatly appreciated.